Out of Africa
I'm back. I've been back one week. But now I realize, I'm back, in more ways then one. I'm back, physically, from the trip. The trip of a lifetime. But I think I am back emotionally, spiritually, and mentally. Maybe. I just may be. I think I am back, from the fog, haze, and quicksand better known as...post traumatic stress maybe ? I'm a bit more clear headed it seems. More present, in this world. Wow. How did I get here? I guess I went away, to get back to here. To get back to the land of the living. Maybe, just maybe.
We went to Africa. We spent Christmas, my birthday, and New Years, in Africa. On safari, in Kenya, and on the beach, in the Seychelles. Saw God's beauty at every turn. Chasing lions and rhinos. Gazing at giraffes in the early morning. Falling asleep to the sounds of animals rumbling under the stars. Waking with the birds. Smiling faces, everywhere. People with so little have the biggest hearts. Washed by the waves of the Indian ocean, over and over. Surrounded by the perfume of gorgeous tropical flowers. No cell phones. No email. Sleep. Deep, uninterrupted, sleep. Fresh air. Blue skies. Sunsets. Rain, lots of it, but warm rain. The kind that makes everything smell good. Fresh fruit. Seafood caught that morning. My sons, tan and strong. Cigars on the deck in the ocean breeze.
There were tears. Yes, there were. How could I be somewhere so beautiful without my Lou? It didn't seem right. But he was with us. I saw him in the stars. He was there. He IS there. Always. I see his eyes twinkle in the stars. I hear his voice, pushing me on. Lou made us all better people. He still does. We just have to listen. We have to push on. We are. We will. I want him to be proud of us. I want him to know that we are back. That I am back. That I will not get lost in the aftermath of this beast. I will not. I will move forward and do him proud. It's good to be back.
posted by CB | 10:45 AM
9 Comments:
Cathy,
As I was reading your post I was sitting on the edge of my chair almost. Reading about the exciting animals, the waves from the ocean, the fresh fruit...Then WHAM! It hit me. I started crying. I felt so many emotions coming at me. I read one line and I was so deeply touched. DEEPLY. It was when I read that your sons enjoyed a cigar on the deck. I thought of Lou and how he is so woven through the very core of your boys. And it made me think of my own children. How I pray that they will always feel Dan through all they do, whether it be something so casual as sitting on a deck enjoying a cigar or a monumental event in their lives.
Thank you for speaking from your heart. I am hearing you loud and clear and I thank God for you. As I have told you before, all that you went through these last two years was most definitely not in vain. I think of you as a lighthouse...guiding the rest of us...
Welcome back my friend . . . .
It sounds like a trip of a lifetime and one that the three of you needed. I am so glad you were able to go and so glad it was with your two sons. I am glad that Lou followed you and most of all I am glad you saw him and felt his presence.
Welcome home dear friend; we are glad to hear from you again.
What an excellent adventure! You and the boys chose well. I'm so glad you felt Lou there with you, too. And that you slept...slept well and deeply. You deserve that so much.
Glad you are back, too, to share with us. As Lisa said, you are a lighthouse for lots of us.
Thank you, Cathy, for coming back and for continuing to share yourself with the rest of us.
Lou is proud of you... I just know it.
Lori Ware
Cathy- I really missed your blog while you were gone! I checked in daily, and sent many good thoughts of happiness and peace while you were on this well-deserved vaction.
I am proud of you and really enjoy keeping up with you via your blog.
fWelcome back Cathy. I'm glad that you are doing better. I also ran away for the holidays to try and reconnect with joy. So hard to remember what it felt like to laugh out loud, to enjoy life. I went to the happiest place on earth 'Disneyland' with 2 small children. I remembered Eric at that age and didn't fall apart. I made it through.
Your sons are a great comfort as mine are. They seem to 'get it' and know we all need to move on, put one foot in front of the other every day. Lou and Eric and all our BT angels knew how important life was and to do any less than live each day would defile the memory of their fight. I'm trying to 'get it', I really am.
Mary Ann, m/o Eric Buss
Yes CATHY you are back..
.. Your wonderful way of expressing yourself took me right to Africa with you.. I could picture it all.. the good times, the much needed tears and the much needed sleep. You have such a way of expressing yourself that I feel like I know you and Lou and your boys.. You bring it all to life, like pictures and events and images popping out of the screen.. I know you miss your Wonderful Lou and I just want you to know that through You, your boys and Your writing you keep Him Alive.. Not just his memories but your entire familiy's moments and good times and everything that falls in between... Thank You for updating and for being so expressive, you help a lot of people without even knowing!!
Lots of Love..
Jen Perez..
WELCOME BACK CATHY & BOTH SONS!!
Sounds like all 3 of you certainly enjoyed your 2 week's Safari in Africa for Christmas etc.; we weren't there & didn't need it for we all experienced being there with Cathy's notes etc. Yes, indeed Lou will always be with you Spiritually!! Always recall the Positives as Lou prefers. Since Lou expired on 8/31/06, indeed there will be times for tears being natural & expected. When my Husband expired on 2/25/05 age 61 with GBM IV, didn't believe I'd make it on my own even living full time on Lake Bunggee. Somehow, God & Mike gave me the Emotional Strength to carry on just as you've also received the same. Mike still lives on in all the Birds, Deer, Fish & Wildlife around me as well as in my Heart, Mind & Soul. Even had a replica of our Church & Deer on the Tombstone. Even though everything possible was done for Mike, he expired at Home being 1 of his Wishes but God Took Mike Up To Heaven within 9 1/2 months. All 3 of you had a more difficult time with Lou & more complication's. Your Husband & Father will Always continue to Live On In All 3 Of You Forever. Again, God Bless All 3 Of You Daily. As Always, Eileen Curran Tuesday, January 16, 2007.
Just checking in on you and the boys ....
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