Christmas Past

Watching the original Christmas Carol was a tradition of Lou's. The old, grainy, black and white original. He liked to watch it on Christmas Eve, sometimes it would be 3 am Christmas morning. Sometimes, he'd watch it earlier in the month, but usually, close to Christmas. He adored it. He usually shed a few tears. I always wondered what made him such a fanatic about Christmas? Maybe it was the way his immigrant Dad had to work so hard. Lou was driven about Christmas, in a good way, but I often worried he'd get a heart attack rushing around the way he did, and it was ALWAYS at the last minute of course. There was the year he talked Neiman Marcus into letting him buy the Brio train set that was part of the window display. It was not for sale. It was a huge set already assembled on a baseboard. They told him it was not for sale, but he persisted. They let him come back and buy it on Christmas Eve. He walked home carrying this huge thing. Another year, he bought this practically lifesize stuffed rocking bear from FAO Schwarz, and walked home carrying THAT. He surprised me with a gorgeous fur coat the year Drew was born. I did not want a fur. I thought it was much too extravagant. Of course, I grew to love wearing it here in the Windy City. I still have it, 23 years later. Lou was right. And there were other surprises over the years that I usually felt were "over the top" . Now I look back at all of it and realize how special he really made everything. How hard he worked, how generous he was, how much he loved doing it, all. I'd get angry that he was overdoing it, running himself ragged. But he loved it and wouldn't have it any other way. How lucky we were. Not for the material things, though certainly, they were nice, but for the love and devotion that came with them. The last two Christmases, I had to run around and make sure there was a big stack of presents under the tree. I shopped for myself, and wrapped them from Lou. I wasn't quite as extravagant. Lou thought he did it all. He was happy. But it was sad. Last year was the saddest Christmas ever. Because we knew. We did. And it was awful. It was awful because when it was over, Lou said "did we have Christmas?". And he asked it many times over the next several days. It broke my heart to hear him ask that. The confused look in his eyes. I'd show him the packages still under the tree and tell him, yes, we had Christmas, and it was great. This year, we're skipping Christmas. No tree, no music here. A few decorations. We're packing up and going far away. Far away from Christmas Past. I hope it works.