Progress ?
Very busy day today. Busy is good. Many days, I can't seem to get anything accomplished. Not today though. Today I actually got through the to do list. That's major these days. The queen of multi tasking has been missing in action since Lou died. It's like I just closed up shop. It's amazing to me how much I can actually ignore. Maybe there's a lesson in that, too. Life is going on, we are muddling through even though I have been sleep walking most of the time. Not good. But today was different. I actually got up and stayed up. This is also major. So, I was feeling pretty good about it all, pretty good that I got some things crossed off the list. Pretty good that I made it everywhere I was supposed to be without being drastically late. Wow, what an improvement. I was trying to figure out why today was different. Maybe it was the sunshine, even though it was practically sub zero. Maybe it was the time I got to spend with my mom, who left today. Maybe it's my new vitamins. Whatever, I was pretty pleased with myself. But inevitably, it hit me. It was the darkness I think. And knowing it was friday, and no one to go home to. Teenagers go out after all. Suddenly, the good feeling was gone. The pit in my stomach returned. It's nice to know I did feel better for awhile today. That's progress. Someday, I'll feel better for a whole day. Maybe.
posted by CB | 1:25 AM
4 Comments:
Dear Cathy,
Yes, you are making progress... at the pace that is right for you.
After the two years of dealing with Lou's cancer, you are physically and emotionally exhausted. It will take a while to build up your stamina... even longer for your heart to heal.
Be kind to yourself,
Lori Ware
Cathy,
It is progress. You have much to do yet and that's what moves you forward. You'll feel better when you can let yourself feel better. It takes time.
Tony
OMG!!!! Yes, like I closed up shop and went home. I'm like a turtle in the shell. Pulling into myself. It IS amazing how much you can ignore. And how the world doesn't even seem to notice...it just keeps rolling along. And all those things I used to do? It doesn't even matter that they aren't done. It ought to be freeing, but it's just sad.
My friend, I'm glad you had a day where the fog lifted and you could see the sun, feel its warmth, and know, even for a minute, that healing will come, maybe not complete healing, and certainly in its own time, but healing nonetheless.
Love, Chelle
Progress . . . just how is that measured? Of course you are doing it Cathy; your surviving each day. Some days are going to be great days, other days just ok and then those terrible days when you just pull the covers over your head. Time won't heal it all Cathy but the days will begin to balance out. Thinking of you.
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