Lou's Gift
It came to me in the wee hours of the morning. I'm tired of being sad you know. I'm tired of HEARING myself, can't imagine how OTHERS must feel. This blog is getting to be a drag, right, admit it. What to do. What would LOU do ? What would Lou want ME to do ? It came to me like a bolt of lightning. Lou has left me a tremendous gift. He left me a business to run, he left me two wonderful sons to enjoy, he left me with a cause, too, ie: brain tumor work. He left me with a roof over my head. After the memorial, a dear friend talked to me about what he will miss most about Lou. What he said was that Lou raised the bar, for all of us. That when he was around Lou, he was a better person. Because Lou expected that. Because Lou challenged you for that. Because you wanted to be on your toes around him. Because Lou was so extraordinary himself. He did challenge me. He pushed me to take on things I didn't want to sometimes. And he tried to help me become a more mature person since I was always just a bit sillier than he.......mature in a good way. I fear I am letting him down at the moment. I'm not taking this and becoming a better person. And I think I am supposed to. I think that is what I am supposed to do. I'm supposed to open this gift and live it. I'm supposed to raise the bar. MINE. Maybe that is it after all. I'm trying this idea on for size. I'm mulling it over. I'm carrying it throughout my day. It got me to yoga on time for once, that's a start.
posted by CB | 1:43 PM
8 Comments:
Cathy this gift is very true. It might be the right time for you to open it up and put it to good use. We would all love that for you. Please don't feel we are getting tiered of your comments. We love them. I learn so much from you and Michelle. I hope I never have to be where you are but if I am I know I will be a much better person for all you have shared with us. If anyone does not want to share in this they don't have to read, check in on you it is everyone's choice.
I know there are many of us that are better for it for you and for Michelle.
I am glad to hear you got out to yoga I hope you could enjoy it.
This is going to be a busy week coming up but want you to know I am wishing you a Happy Thanksgiving. I hope you can see those things that Lou would like you to be Thankful for.
God Bless You.
Cathy:
It is so true that Lou left you many blessings. You are wise to recognize them and cherish them. It is also true that the greatest gift he gave you was the gift of HIMSELF, his love and wisdom and maturity and presence. And now, that precious man is not there and those gifts he gave so freely must be summoned up from your memory [hear the tune?] and there will not be any new memories made with him ever again.
Since 2004, your life has been both devoted to Lou and consumed by his struggle with the brain tumor. You did not have [or perhaps take] a minute, until August 31, 2006, to start to process how great his loss is -- and how vast the changes are and will be in your life and the lives of your sons.
You were Lou's warrior and champion, there with him fully. You know well what his PRESENCE in your lives has meant. Now you need time to reflect on the full measure of his ABSENCE from your lives. It is sad work and hard to do. You are living now, and will continue to live for the rest of your life on this earth, without your true North, the compass point that kept you anchored and oriented along your chosen path.
If this were just a "pity party," we would have lost both patience and interest by now. But it is not. It is the true and heartfelt struggle of a person who has loved and been loved in return trying to find a new North to fix on...and trying to make sense of a loss that makes no sense. And as we witness this long, hard journey of yours, we cry and learn and grow and hope. None of us who read your thoughts here believe otherwise.
I know what you mean about being tired of feeling sad. Grieving -- making that Tear Soup -- is exhausting work. But it is also necessary. You will never, I think, be the same person you were before Lou's diagnosis, but there are moments of joy ahead in your life. I have always loved the song from Ecclesiastes about there being a "time for every purpose under Heaven." This is your time to mourn. The time for joy and building up and new beginnings is still there -- and will be there when you are ready.
And so will we....
Claudia has expressed my thoughts so beautifully....we all love you Cathy and you have taught the rest of us so much....I, for one, will never tire of reading anything you have to say....
Hugs, Sharon
Cathy:
I've finally had the chance to read your November posts, and want you to know how much they move me. Your journey is one we never want to take. I'm so happy that you are brave enough to share it - most of us aren't. I will be thinking of you and all our caregiver friends this week, which I know will be tough for most. Please remember, though, holidays were important to Lou, so celebrate - as hard as you can!
Right on. It'll never be the same. You'll sense what is right though.
Cathy,
You are as strong and courageous as they come... and you make all of us stronger by sharing your thoughts and feelings -- especially your grief. We are honored to be able to read your posts, no matter how you're feeling on any particular day. You just keep taking it one day at a time and know that we're all here with you. We love you.
Lori Ware
Cathy, I have read this blog over and over again and have to say Claudia took the words out of my mouth. I enjoy reading your blogs; I miss them when they are so unfrequent and then enjoy them over and over again when they reappear. The struggles and challanges you fought for Lou leave you with a natural "saddness" and no one expects any less. So keep writing my friend, keep feeling and most of all keep living for everything you mentioned. My thoughts and prayers will be with you and the boys tomorrow as you enter a new era of "holiday celebrations."
Cathy just wanted to stop in and wish you and the boys a Happy Thanksgiving. It will be different but this is the new norm.
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