Lessons from Lou

This blog is about my journey through the brain tumor world with my dear husband, Lou. While not a journey I would wish on even my worst enemy, it is a journey that has enlightened and awakened me to what lies within us, and around us, each and every moment of each and every day. There are lessons here....lessons in this journey.....lessons from Lou....that I would like to share with you.

My Photo
Location: Chicago, Illinois

Picture of Lou (sick) and I at a party, circa 2005, long ago and faraway. I'm now a middle aged widow, trying to get my life back together. Mother of two young adult sons, living with two adult cats.

Tuesday, November 28, 2006

Stop The Music, I Want To Get Off

I can sort of handle the decorations, though we will not be having a Christmas tree this year. I am totally surrounded in Christmas decorations, living right on what is known as the Magnificent Mile in Chicago. There's a gazillion foot tree right in our front "yard", covered in tiny multi colored lights. It's beautiful. The kids used to rush home from school on the day they lit it so they could watch it. I can sort of handle the decorations because, after awhile, they become wall paper. And, I can walk with blinders on if I try hard enough. Though once the snow comes, and the holidays become more real, I'll probably think differently about the decorations. But since it's sixty degrees these days, I can sort of handle them. It's the music. I simply cannot handle the music. Music is clearly very important to me, that's one thing I've learned from this journey. Music can make or break my day. It became very important to Lou and I as we navigated the brain tumor world. And, it was always a part of our lives ... we had "our song" (see post entitled "Our Song"), we had other music we loved, we enjoyed chorals and the symphony, Lou liked opera (and I at least listened, much like Lou would at least listen to some of my music, occasionally), showtunes, Frank Sinatra, anything romantic and danceable, and OF COURSE, Christmas music. Lou loved Christmas music. There would ALWAYS be a Christmas CD playing from the day after Thanksgiving until we just couldn't stand it anymore, at least until New Years day. We have many Christmas CDs. We even have a special Beres Family one that Drew made as a gift, a compilation of many of our favorites. Lou REALLY loved THAT CD. So you see, it's the music I can't handle. And it's everywhere. It's in every store now. On the radio. TV commercials. It's even playing on the busses. I can't escape it. It's when it catches me off guard that it's the hardest, of course. And sometimes, it just does catch me off guard, even though I should know better. It's the unpredictability of it,maybe. The decorations stay the same, but the music..you never know what you might get hit with and when. Like today. A huge swell of "Deck The Halls" greeted me as I walked into a mall I needed to make a return at. (Note, it was something I had purchased for my great niece's halloween costume so you KNOW I needed to get that return DONE). I love Deck The Halls. It's joyful and light. It's not sad at all. But, I guess that's why it WAS sad to me today, because it IS joyful and light. Yep, lost the mascara again. May as well forget that stuff for the month. I allowed myself a few moments of feeling bad, I wallowed in it actually. And then I ran on to the store I needed to get to. I was ok by then. Maybe taking care of a halloween return with Christmas carols playing snapped me out of it. At any rate, it's definitely the music. That much I know. Can somebody please stop the music? I'm not sure they make ear plugs good enough for the job.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

Dear Cathy,
I have adopted a new philosophy in the past few years that helps me deal with situations that seem intolerable. I call it "changing my point of view". (It has helped me learn to work with a virtual team in India and has kept me from killing a few doctors and nurses.) Since I don't have the power to change another person's culture or their dispostion, I can only hope to change how I view the situation.

When I read you post, I thought, "What if Cathy thinks of each Christmas song as a hug from Lou?" Maybe those songs are really messages of love from your wonderful husband...

Wishing you lots of hugs,

9:44 AM  
Blogger Cathy said...

I LOVE that idea , thank you, I am going to try it!

9:58 AM  
Anonymous Vonda said...

Dear Cathy,
I read your posts often and I can identify with what you say about music. I catch myself feeling that huge hole in my heart when I hear beautiful haunting Christmas songs such as Sarah MacLachlins' "Song for a Winter Night".

I do think that Lori's idea is a wonderful one and I also will do that. Every bit helps.

4:31 PM  
Blogger Mrs. L said...

This is a difficult time of year without Lou, I know. But just reaading what you write these past few entries makes me appreciate the holidays even more. Your point of view and lovely memories add so much. They are a great reminder of what's important in life.

5:36 PM  
Blogger Claudia said...

Just wanted to say "Hi" and that I am thinking of you tonight -- and every night. I have been singing with my choir at church and am hoping to get through the Hallelujah Chorus without tears this year. I don't know exactly what visceral place this Christmas music touches, but it is very deep.

I, too, like the idea of the musical hugs. I think I will try that myself....

Love to you and the boys,

12:37 AM  

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