Lessons from Lou

This blog is about my journey through the brain tumor world with my dear husband, Lou. While not a journey I would wish on even my worst enemy, it is a journey that has enlightened and awakened me to what lies within us, and around us, each and every moment of each and every day. There are lessons here....lessons in this journey.....lessons from Lou....that I would like to share with you.

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Location: Chicago, Illinois

Picture of Lou (sick) and I at a party, circa 2005, long ago and faraway. I'm now a middle aged widow, trying to get my life back together. Mother of two young adult sons, living with two adult cats.

Saturday, May 20, 2006

A day in the life

Before getting into the pithy stuff...I want to thank those of you who are actually reading this blog, and particularly those of you who are commenting! There does not seem to be a response mechanism that I can figure out, so I cannot respond to the individual comments, but suffice it to say, I appreciate your kind words, and knowing you are there, it means alot! Today began as a bad day. When Lou woke up, he was quite disoriented, it took him awhile to shake it. The disorientation progressed to sadness.....tears...and the questions began.....THOSE questions that I so hate...because they are so hard to answer...."what's wrong with me?" "What do the doctors say?" "What should I be doing that I'm not doing"....what can I be doing....why am I not at the office......it's so distressing, still....after going through this now hundreds of times.......thankfully, it does not happen too often, maybe just once a week or so. But it's heart breaking. Eventually, it passes. There are no good answers. If I told Lou he has a brain tumor, it would escalate into complete hysteria, which it has, because it is as if he is hearing it for the very first time. We just don't go there anymore, it isn't worth the aggravation to him...what's the point. He could suffer a heart attack right there on the spot. But it's hard to answer the questions....I've tried several ways.....once I even thought I'd tell him he had mad cow disease since he traveled to London so many times.....anything that might explain his condition in a way that might be a bit "acceptable" to him.....alas, nothing of course would be "acceptable". We are talking about a brilliant man who was a national collegiate debate champion, president of his student body in college, very successful business man, wonderful husband, father and friend, etc etc etc....what kind of brain disease that robs you of your MEMORY of all things, would possibly be "acceptable" ? I kid myself in trying to answer the questions...and somehow..we get through it. After many hugs and half a box of kleenex...it passes.....and the day starts.......again. But Lou doesn't know we have already had the first, "bad" start....... The rest of the day progresses much like the others lately....Lou spends an awful lot of time in front of the tv now......never ever thought I'd see the day I would 'ALLOW' it.....yet here we are.......at least he watches the history channel quite a bit. My mom is still visiting and he has really enjoyed the time with her. That's a funny thing, too. Never thought I'd see the day he would ASK his mother in law to MOVE IN with us.....but he does now.....all the time....that's the good part of the brain tumor talking......the real Lou......the one that is still in there that shows itself periodically ........ quick.....catch it.......oops.....it's gone......."what day is it" is back....... Lou's "trainer" came today. We have gone from the treadmill and bike to now working on getting up and out of the chair.....sigh.....but it does help him in some way I think....at least it is a break from his usual routine.......Damon comes home from school with a new haircut....nice......Damon leaves to go out with a friend......"thumbs up Dad" on the way out the door..... Drew came by as he does just about every night. Thank you my son. I know Lou loves this. And they have a REAL conversation......wow.......did you hear that??? Amazing things. Good, this is good.........can't keep it going....but it was good. A bit later, it's time to turn in.......what started out as a bad day......ends as a good day. Lou says "thank you for taking such good care of me Cathy. I know it isn't easy, and I want you to know I appreciate everything you do for me"........I hug him and rub his back.....and say thank you, to him.......thank you dear Lou......just for being you.


Blogger michele said...

Cathy,I have read your blog entries and your many responses to several on the brain tumor list. You are a caring, compassionate, strong, courageous woman. I applaude you. I draw great strength from your entries and will cont. to follow. I can only hope and pray that I can care for my husband , John , (diagnosed March 04)with such courage and grace as you are doing caring for Lou. I look forward to your cont. inspiration. You and your family are in my daily prayers. Michele

9:48 AM  

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