On The Occasion Of A C-Scan
I recently had the occasion to have a C scan. Not to worry, really nothing important at all, thankfully. I waited in the same waiting room Lou and I waited in so many,many times for his MRIs. Was taken into the scan room, laid on the table. The feelings it brought back were visceral. All the times we walked into those rooms. All the times Lou went into the machine, all the times I held onto his feet while the machine did it's duty. All the times I helped him get through the maze of the dressing room. All the times he did not know why he was there, what he was doing. All the times he was such a good egg about it all. My stomach hurt thinking about it. I wonder if those thoughts ever stop. I wonder if I'll ever be able to walk into that hospital without feeling anxious. When I walked out, the sun was shining. I remembered all the times we walked home, hand in hand, until such time that wasn't possible. As if it were a date we were on. It was a date,then. Those were our dates, those times. The very last time we went for a scan, Lou wanted to stop off at the restaurant across the street afterwards. It was our last date. I passed the restaurant on my way home and smiled. We did the best we could. It was good. As good as it could be. I have to remember that, when the pit comes back to my stomach. And it will. It does. I have to remember, it was good. As good as it could be.
1 Comments:
Cathy,
So glad to hear from you again and I pray it is something very small that you found yourself in the tube; the very tube that your dear sweet Lou found himself in. This ee cummins poem reminds me of memories . . . .
I carry your heart with me
i carry your heart with me(i carry it in my heart)i am never without it(anywhere i go you go,my dear; and whatever is done by only me is your doing,my darling)i fear no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want no world (for beautiful you are my world,my true)and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant and whatever a sun will always sing is you here is the deepest secret nobody knows(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars aparti carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)
ee cummings
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