PS

I forgot to say this in my previous post. Thank you for your comments, those of you who do. I appreciate it. Especially some of the recent ones. I'm thinking about starting a new blog, a continuation for sure, but a slightly different focus. Don't worry, you'll be the first to know!! Thanks for reading.

"A Year Ago"

I play the "A Year Ago" game quite often. It goes like this. I often think about where we were a year ago. Where we were in this brain tumor journey. Last summer, I could say things like: "A year ago, we still went out for walks". Or, "A year ago, we had gelato down on our front porch". Or, "A year ago, we danced at a wedding". The game is not as much fun as it used to be. Not that it was ever fun. Let's just say, it's a way to think about things, to put them in some sort of order. This summer, I can only say things like, "A year ago, Lou could be with us in the family room". The truth is, a year ago, Lou was declining, rapidly. But, I can still say something about Lou and "a year ago". And, I like to be able to do that. It keeps him closer somehow. I just realized tonight, that soon, I won't be able to say "a year ago, Lou ...". Soon, I won't be able to reflect on what Lou was doing a year ago, because a year will have passed. I don't like that. When I can think of Lou being with us just a year ago, it doesn't seem quite so bad for some reason. I guess it makes him seem closer. But when I can't say "a year ago" anymore, what then? I guess I will have to think up another game. Something like, "I can remember when Lou...". See what I mean? It makes it all seem long ago when you can't say "a year ago". I don't like it. I guess it means time is marching on, and I guess I just don't like it.

Mom

My mom is the best. She's great fun, a serial shopper, always upbeat, makes friends wherever she goes, loves to watch her teams (Detroit), is generous in all ways, is always there for you, likes practical jokes, will try anything once, and is a self acclaimed "fast food junkie". She's not a good cook, is disorganized, has no sense of direction and is tone deaf. She's getting old, becoming forgetful, and is slowing down. I love her dearly. She lost the love of her life two years ago. My dad was one of a kind, an absolute gem, he was everything, and more. They met on my mom's first big job after graduating high school. She was a secretary for General Motors at the age of 17. My dad was an accountant there, and 7 years older. On her very first day, my dad asked her out. She said she had a boyfriend and couldn't. She then promptly broke up with her boyfriend. Two days later, she told my dad she broke it off. He then asked her out for that night. The rest is history. They were married 59 years. Just missed 60. My dear dad died in his sleep after an operation they said went well. I will never, ever forget that day. That phone call. The funeral. All of it. We worried about my mom. Could she carry on? Would she carry on. How would she cope. She seemed so frail. The first few months were rough. She was lost and cried at the drop of a hat. But, little by little, she found her way. She always said my dad would not be happy if she fell apart. She didn't fall apart. She kept going. She talks to his pictures, and to him, constantly, but she has kept going. She's taken care of things she never had to think about before. She's still bargain shopping and playing bingo. She's still watching all her sports teams and American Idol. She still takes the train to Chicago and walks to the nearby stores. She does not walk near as far on Michigan Avenue as she once did, but that's ok. She's still doing it. She wants a laptop. She loves Barack Obama because he is "cute". She flirts. And, she moved. That's huge. She has moved to assisted living, very close to my oldest brother in Cincinnati. She has kept going. She did not fall apart. I'm so proud of her, and amazed by her. I think it would be very very hard to be with the same person for 59 years and lose him. To be left alone at the age of 80. I think this is bad, but THAT...wow. So, today is about my mom. Because she keeps going. And in doing so, she keeps ME going. She's my inspiration. I just got back from visiting her in her new home. She's been there two weeks and is already a favorite. We shopped, alot. We saw a movie. We stayed up late watching tv. I got her out walking. I wore her out. We laughed. We had fun. I love you, Mom.

My Sweet Pea

I'm trying not to only write about my sadness. I'm trying not to only write about missing Lou. In fact, I'm thinking about moving on from this blog sometime fairly soon. It seems to repeat itself with some regularity. It gets old, doesn't it? Even my best friends have stopped reading it. Who can blame them. So today....not about Lou. Not about me. It's about my darling Sweet Pea. She's my now 5 year old great niece. She turned five earlier this week. She's a very special child. Not just because she is my great niece. But because she is so joyful, so smart, so cute, so sweet. She just oozes goodness, all that is good. When Lou was sick , she would climb right in bed with him and talk to him, bring him his pills. She was never frightened by any of it. And, they were with us the day he died. I think he was waiting for her to leave, he left us twenty minutes after she went home. She's precious. I'm very close to her. We have a special bond I think. Having not had girls, I was besotted the moment she was born, and have been ever since. I'm so lucky she is in my life. She, and now her little sister. They are the best. But, anyway, the reason I write of her today..."Conversation with Anna"..... Just before her big birthday , I said to her, "I just don't think I can LET you turn five". "But you HAVE to Auntie". "Oh, I just don't think I can. I just want you to stay four," I say. "But Auntie, I HAVE to turn five" she says. "Oh, I just don't know......".....some back and forth ensues, .and then..."Don't worry, Auntie, I'll still be your Sweet Pea when I am five." Now you know why I'm besotted. She's a gift.

More Random Thoughts

In no particular order. ( And, I STILL don't know how to create a list in html. I still don't know how to do ANYTHING in html, sorry for the run on sentences). l. When you don't have to get dinner on the table for anyone but yourself, it's way too easy to have chips for dinner. 2. When you have chips for dinner, you do not feel so well the next morning. 3. I still can't do certain things alone. Especially on a weekend night. Date nights. 4. I wish I could. 5. Summer still goes much too quickly no matter what stage of life you are in. 6. I get to golf and go to baseball games all I want now and it isn't what I want. 7. Work is good. 8. Even too much work is good, now. 9. There's a comfort in being surrounded by life as it was 10. I hate being surrounded by life as it was And so it goes. Happy Sunday.

Random Thought

I still sleep only on my half of the bed. It's a nice bed. But it's half empty.

Allnighter

It's been a long time since I've "pulled an allnighter". But, here I am. Getting awfully close to pulling an allnighter. Just a few more hours. It's work related. In a good way. Been a long time since work has kept me up all night. Guess that's a good thing. It's a good thing that there is work to do. It's a good thing that the work is so involving. Because when it is this involving it takes my mind off things. THOSE things. LOU things. When I'm all wrapped up like this, I don't think about him every five minutes. I don't see him in my mind as much. I don't wonder what it was like, what he thought, what he felt. So, this is a good thing, huh. So, all I have to do is work non stop and those thoughts will stop. Wow, what a concept. I think I'll go sleep on it. For a few hours. A cat nap. I'm too old for this.