Lessons from Lou

This blog is about my journey through the brain tumor world with my dear husband, Lou. While not a journey I would wish on even my worst enemy, it is a journey that has enlightened and awakened me to what lies within us, and around us, each and every moment of each and every day. There are lessons here....lessons in this journey.....lessons from Lou....that I would like to share with you.

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Location: Chicago, Illinois

Picture of Lou (sick) and I at a party, circa 2005, long ago and faraway. I'm now a middle aged widow, trying to get my life back together. Mother of two young adult sons, living with two adult cats.

Friday, July 27, 2007

"A Year Ago"

I play the "A Year Ago" game quite often. It goes like this. I often think about where we were a year ago. Where we were in this brain tumor journey. Last summer, I could say things like: "A year ago, we still went out for walks". Or, "A year ago, we had gelato down on our front porch". Or, "A year ago, we danced at a wedding". The game is not as much fun as it used to be. Not that it was ever fun. Let's just say, it's a way to think about things, to put them in some sort of order. This summer, I can only say things like, "A year ago, Lou could be with us in the family room". The truth is, a year ago, Lou was declining, rapidly. But, I can still say something about Lou and "a year ago". And, I like to be able to do that. It keeps him closer somehow. I just realized tonight, that soon, I won't be able to say "a year ago, Lou ...". Soon, I won't be able to reflect on what Lou was doing a year ago, because a year will have passed. I don't like that. When I can think of Lou being with us just a year ago, it doesn't seem quite so bad for some reason. I guess it makes him seem closer. But when I can't say "a year ago" anymore, what then? I guess I will have to think up another game. Something like, "I can remember when Lou...". See what I mean? It makes it all seem long ago when you can't say "a year ago". I don't like it. I guess it means time is marching on, and I guess I just don't like it.


Anonymous Kathie said...

WOW Cathy. All I can say. That small thought you just posted says so much. That really gives me something to think about. It is all so very true. I just had a 56 year old friend die two weeks ago, she sat down on the couch one evening and never got up. This made me think there will never be any new memories of Cindy just our old memories which are so wonderful.
I am so glad to hear your going to keep a blog going I would hate to think that we would loose contact. I feel like your someone I know even tho we have never met. I hope you know how much good your doing for all of us who drop in to see what words of wisdom you have for us each time you blog.
Thank you and please keep it up, it's more important than you will ever know.
Thank You Friend.
(a friend can be someone you have never met)

11:14 AM  
Blogger Shelley said...

Me, too. I never like it. Every stage, I say, "I can't do this. Make it stop." And kicking and screaming something or someone drags me forward, and I find that, indeed I can do this. Even when I don't want to. While time does not really heal, time does march on, relentlessly, ready or not, and I suppose there is good in that. It is important to treasure the moments we have. It's important to treasure the memories of what's gone before. But I guess we have to stay open to what is to come. It's never the same, and not what we hoped for, but it brings its own gifts, does it not?

Love you, Chelle
Team Meyer

11:02 PM  
Anonymous sharonbates said...

Dear Cathy,
I "so" understand this game....in many ways, the days, weeks, and months just seem to be slipping by...and every day that passes, I feel that much further away from Kirby.....and I don't like it. I feel that much further away from having "touched" him.....already six months have gone by....and I still can't believe that he is gone....I look at all of our pictures of when he was well....wonderful memories, but so hard to believe that we were so "carefree"....with no idea of what was to come.....I guess it is best that we didn't know....at least we enjoyed those days without ever thinking of "brain tumors"......my "game" now (like yours) is just a "memory game"...and there are lots and lots of wonderful memories before BT.

Please don't give up your blog...or some blog at least...your writings are so special.

Love, Sharon

8:33 PM  

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