No Regrets

Last night was movie night with the girls. We all wanted to see a movie that just came out yesterday, called "Evening". I knew it could potentially be a bad one for me to see (read, SAD), but the cast was absolutely amazing, so I went along. The movie is beautiful. The film, itself, is gorgeous. The acting is superb. It is very, very real. Vanessa Redgrave plays a dying woman. OK, I knew this going in, but I did NOT know she was going to be dying the entire movie, laying in bed, dying. But, the movie is about love, and life, and living life, and having no regrets. As she is dying, the story unfolds of her unrequited love affair from long, long ago. The choices we make, to grab hold of the moment, or not. To go for true happiness, inspite of surrounding circumstances, or not. And what happens if you miss it. The different course life can take when you miss that moment, that chance, to grab hold and take the ride to somewhere magical. It hit me on many levels. Of course, the laying in bed, dying, was just too close to home. The last week of Lou's life was so much like this , the movie got that part right for sure. Death can be awful , and beautiful, all at once. What got me the most though, was the idea of having regrets. Of having regrets on your deathbed. Regrets that are big enough to carry through your life, til the very end. At the end, truth comes out. There are no more pretenses, it is all wide open for you to see, and hear. I know Lou had no regrets. I know he was very satisfied with his life. I know he did not feel cheated in any way. And I know he was happy that we did not miss that moment to grab hold. That we found each other and took the ride. And, I think when I lay dying on my own deathbed, I will feel the same. It would have been easy for me to miss the moment with Lou. He was so different then what "everyone" thought I should be with. I could have listened to the concerns that were raised. But I didn't. I grabbed hold, and never looked back. And it was beautiful. Oh sure, it had it's moments, of course it did. Lots of them. But it was magical, and it was special. I think it would be so very very sad to leave this earth with regrets. To carry regrets with us to the grave. Heavy thoughts for a saturday, I know. No regrets is a big thing with me. It was my mantra while caring for Lou through his illness. I didn't want to have any regrets about what we did, or didn't do for him. And I don't. I feel good about that. Life, and death, are better with no regrets.

Happy Birthday, Darling

Dearest Lou, Yesterday was your birthday, the first one since you left us. I was not looking forward to the day, quite honestly. We always celebrate birthdays, you made sure of that! As the day grew closer, my mood became edgier, more anxious. I wasn't sure how I would handle it. Would it affect me the way Father's Day did? I wasn't sure I was ready for that, again. That was just a week ago. I wanted to acknowledge the day, however, not ignore it. I wanted to celebrate YOU, my love, and everything you were. We went to dinner on Sunday night, the boys and I, and Robyn and David. Damon left for New York yesterday, so we acknowledged your day, as a family, on Sunday. We toasted you. We thanked you for all you were for us. We thanked God for giving you to us. We hoped you were celebrating, too, with your mom, dad, and Kathie. Were you ? Maybe you even had a good cigar. I hope so. I hope you golfed too. You weren't able to do that the last few years of your life here. It was a lovely evening with the people who mean the most to me. You would have enjoyed it. On your birthday, yesterday, I created a new holiday in your honor at the office called "Founder's Day". The entire staff went to lunch at the Parthenon in your honor. We toasted you again. After all, if it weren't for you, this group wouldn't be employed together! I made a trivia game up about you, and awarded prizes. It was tricky. You would have liked it. There are so many new people who didn't get to know you, and I so desperately wish they had known you. The lunch got me through the day. Worked a bit late. The walk home was warm and sticky. With each block I could feel the sadness creeping in. Coming home to an empty apartment is no fun. I had made it through the day, only to arrive home feeling lonely and sad. I told someone yesterday that I CAN do this. I can live alone, I can socialize, I can fill my time, I can do this. I JUST DON'T WANT TO. I don't want to come home to an empty apartment. I don't want to have your half of the bed empty. I don't want to start over. I liked it the way it was. I don't WANT to do this. But I CAN, and I am, I guess. Drew arrived for a visit late in the evening. He had driven down to the cemetery. He said something that hit me a bit hard. He can more or less accept that you are gone, but the WAY it happened, what you went through, is sometimes the hardest part to think about. It's so true. And that is how the day ended, your birthday. It ended with me, alone. I felt good about the way we acknowledged it. But in the end, when it is all said and done, it was sad. And empty. I miss you, my love.

Father's Day

It's hard to say "happy", attached to this day. It's not. It's not happy. And it's not Father's Day, really. The boys are gone, on a trip, together. Out of the country. I'm glad that they are. I don't think they celebrate Father's Day where they are. Good. Like Christmas, we'll skip it, this year. The first one, without Lou. He really wasn't here last year either. We acknowledged the day, and every time we said Happy Father's Day, he started to cry. He knew. We knew. So we stopped saying it. We just forgot about it. It was easier. But still, he was with us. Tough time of year here, his birthday is also this month. So, here I am, alone, on Father's Day. Not a good place to be. Actually, I just got here, I was away. Went to Lou's brother's. The country. I was not prepared, again, for how that would feel. I remembered so many times with Lou, and the kids, in their house. I saw Lou sitting in the living room. He really liked his brother's house. We went to the cemetary today. That was really why I went. It wasn't any easier this time. I thought maybe it would be. The grass is filling in now by his headstone. I leave my one red rose, and my tears. I cry for all he went through. For the constant confusion, for his disappearing memory, for the months of depression, for the treatments, for his failing body. I cry remembering the little notes I had to write for him so he could remember the steps to getting ready in the morning. How can that be? How was that Lou? I cry for the awfulness of it all. I cry for what he is missing, for what we are missing. His brother's hug is not enough. It's sweltering hot and we leave to get something to eat before I hit the road. It's a long way home. Trying to change the mood, to fill the empty car, I turn the tunes on. And the first one up, is this: The Heart Of Life (John Mayer) I hate to see you cry Lying there in that position There's things you need to hear So turn off your tears And listen Pain throws your heart to the ground Love turns the whole thing around No it won't all go the way it should But I know the heart of life is good You know, it's nothing new Bad news never had good timing But then, the circle of your friends Will defend the silver lining Pain throws your heart to the ground Love turns the whole thing around No it won't all go the way it should But I know the heart of life is good Pain throws your heart to the ground Love turns the whole thing around Fear is a friend who's misunderstood But I know the heart of life is good I know it's good I know it, too. It is. The heart of life is still good. The heart of life was good, even when Lou was sick. And that is what keeps us going, isn't it. Gotta believe that, you do. Happy Father's Day

Milestones

Milestones are difficult, of course. We chose to ignore Christmas, and, as long as we stuck with it, it wasn't so bad. We had to leave the country however. Other milestones have come and gone, my birthday, a non event as we were far away. Oldest son's birthday, but he opted to be away that weekend (notice a pattern here?). Mother's Day, not too bad, after all, it was all about me and my sons, how bad can that be? But the graduations....that's a bit different. Can't go away for those. We had two graduations last week, one from high school, the other from graduate school. Alot of emotion there. How proud I was, and am. Bursting with pride. How difficult it was for my boys to carry on, through the 22 months of Lou's illness, and through the devastation afterwards. They kept going. They did more then that. They overcame it, they did not let this define them. They succeeded in spite of it. No, really, they excelled. They worked hard. They achieved their goals. I am so proud of them. And I wish Lou were here. Oh I know, he IS here, he DOES know. But I wish he was with us. I wish he saw Damon cross the stage and shake the principal's hand. I wish he had heard the bagpipes at Drew's graduation. But, inspite of wishing he were with us, I am grateful. I am grateful we had Lou for 25 years. That he was with these guys to manhood. So much of what they are is Lou. He made them what they are. I see it all over them. That is how Lou is with us. He shines through in our sons. His legacy. Milestones are hard. But if I focus on the good in them, it helps. There is still alot of good to focus on. draft

My Roommate

Of course, he is my son. Not really my roommate. But he is, really, my roommate, now. It's been the two of us since September 1, 2006. My older son lives on his own, nearby, thankfully, but not here. We don't see him everyday. Just about though, he stops by just about every night, and I'm very grateful for that. But he's not my roommate. Son #2 , pictured here, is my roommate. And what a great roommate he is. The very best hugs ever. So big and cuddly. The sweetest smile. So easy going. He was always easy going. Laid back. Funny, in that dry, cool way. Does what he's supposed to do. Doesn't complain. Good grades. Great talent (he's a writer) . Good friend. Great son. Great roommate. Again, it is so clear that God orchestrates everything. I lost Lou, but I have two wonderful, amazing sons. That's pretty lucky, don't you agree? And, I had a roommate for one full year after Lou died. To get me through. To help me get used to this new life. He'll depart for college at the end of summer. Don't want to think about that. For now, I will think about fun things, like prom. See how handsome he is? And graduations, coming up this week. And parties. And summer. Sunny days and lovely nights. Trips and days off. My roommate, my son. I'm a lucky girl.