Father's Day

It's hard to say "happy", attached to this day. It's not. It's not happy. And it's not Father's Day, really. The boys are gone, on a trip, together. Out of the country. I'm glad that they are. I don't think they celebrate Father's Day where they are. Good. Like Christmas, we'll skip it, this year. The first one, without Lou. He really wasn't here last year either. We acknowledged the day, and every time we said Happy Father's Day, he started to cry. He knew. We knew. So we stopped saying it. We just forgot about it. It was easier. But still, he was with us. Tough time of year here, his birthday is also this month. So, here I am, alone, on Father's Day. Not a good place to be. Actually, I just got here, I was away. Went to Lou's brother's. The country. I was not prepared, again, for how that would feel. I remembered so many times with Lou, and the kids, in their house. I saw Lou sitting in the living room. He really liked his brother's house. We went to the cemetary today. That was really why I went. It wasn't any easier this time. I thought maybe it would be. The grass is filling in now by his headstone. I leave my one red rose, and my tears. I cry for all he went through. For the constant confusion, for his disappearing memory, for the months of depression, for the treatments, for his failing body. I cry remembering the little notes I had to write for him so he could remember the steps to getting ready in the morning. How can that be? How was that Lou? I cry for the awfulness of it all. I cry for what he is missing, for what we are missing. His brother's hug is not enough. It's sweltering hot and we leave to get something to eat before I hit the road. It's a long way home. Trying to change the mood, to fill the empty car, I turn the tunes on. And the first one up, is this: The Heart Of Life (John Mayer) I hate to see you cry Lying there in that position There's things you need to hear So turn off your tears And listen Pain throws your heart to the ground Love turns the whole thing around No it won't all go the way it should But I know the heart of life is good You know, it's nothing new Bad news never had good timing But then, the circle of your friends Will defend the silver lining Pain throws your heart to the ground Love turns the whole thing around No it won't all go the way it should But I know the heart of life is good Pain throws your heart to the ground Love turns the whole thing around Fear is a friend who's misunderstood But I know the heart of life is good I know it's good I know it, too. It is. The heart of life is still good. The heart of life was good, even when Lou was sick. And that is what keeps us going, isn't it. Gotta believe that, you do. Happy Father's Day