A Very Good Cause

This Saturday is the 2nd annual "Path to Progress" walk/run for the American Brain Tumor Association. The event takes place right here in Chicago, along the lakefront. The American Brain Tumor Association exists to raise funds to provide grants for research into new treatments for brain cancer. They are funding some incredible scientists and studies. Better treatments cannot come soon enough for this, what is called an "orphan disease". "Orphan disease " because it gets no attention. Because it doesn't affect as many people as other cancers. Its an incredibly difficult cancer to treat. There are 120 different kinds of brain tumors, that's why its so difficult. The current "standard of care" treatment is "successful" in about 20% of the cases. If you call surviving a few years successful. They do. Most folks survive only one year with this disease, if they are lucky. Lou beat the odds by living 22 months with a glioblastoma, a stage IV brain cancer, sitting in his head. His was inoperable. That's particularly difficult to treat, let alone cure. Cure was not a word in our vocabulary. Neither was remission. But there is hope. New drugs are in clinical trials that are seeing some better responses. But it's not enough. That's why we need more research. That's why we are walking on Saturday. We're walking to help the folks I talk with online who are living with this awful disease, hanging on until a better treatment is found. We're walking to help Valerie Grace, a beautiful 2yr. old who has a brain tumor. We're walking to help Dorothy, who was just diagnosed two weeks ago. And Kate, and Pam, Al and so many other dear, dear people. Too many. If you would like to help the cause, go to www.abta.org. Click on the link for the Path to Progress. To support our team, type in Team Beres where it says "find a team". It will tell you what to do. Or, you can mail your donation in, the address is on the website. Please reference Team Beres. Any donation is welcome, any at all. I wouldn't be asking if I did not feel it was a good cause. It is. It's a very good cause. Thank you. Thank you, all.

Tired

It's been a very long week, hasn't it. Very long. Let's see.... storms out east, the Imus mess, mom went home after three weeks here, a friend's cousin has a brain tumor and needs help, my allergies or something are acting up, last parent teacher conference (yes, even THAT makes me sad), tax day, and, Virginia Tech. Especially, Virginia Tech. If anything, I look at what has happened there and I realize, my problems are small, really, in comparison. To lose a child, in that manner, I don't know how one would ever recover from that. Ever. THIS is hard enough. This, losing your beloved as we did, is hard enough. But THAT, I cannot imagine. I'm very tired today. I slept for twelve hours and I am still tired. I'm sure it's the allergies. But I'm just tired. It's sunny and gorgeous, and I'm tired. Its the kind of day I used to force my family out, out to bike ride or to the park, or rollerblading or whatever. Sometimes I think I have not yet fully caught up on my rest from all we went through with Lou. It took it's toll, that is for sure. Physically and emotionally. Its a very deep kind of tired that I've never experienced before. I do everything everyone tells me to do to help myself feel better. But I'm still tired. So very tired. It's not the way I WANT to be. It's just the way I AM, right now. I leave friends in a lurch, I'm late for everything, I'm not all there, wherever "there" is supposed to be. I'm nowhere, really. Neither here, nor there. Half in, half out. I guess it comes with the territory. I'm off to do what I'm supposed to do to help myself feel better, I'm taking a walk in the sun. Let's see if it helps.

Could It Be ?

Don't look now. No, you BETTER look NOW, it might not be here later. IT'S THE SUN ! Remember THAT ? We have a bright blue cloudless sky and sun, glorious sun. Light. My kitties are basking in it. I feel better already and I haven't even been out yet. Perhaps I am bi polar. This mood thing. No, I just don't like POLAR. Here comes the sun, here comes the sun, and I say it's all right Little darling, it's been a long cold lonely winter Little darling, it feels like years since it's been here Here comes the sun, here comes the sun and I say it's all right Little darling, the smiles returning to the faces Little darling, it seems like years since it's been here Here comes the sun, here comes the sun and I say it's all right Sun, sun, sun, here it comes... Sun, sun, sun, here it comes... Sun, sun, sun, here it comes... Sun, sun, sun, here it comes... Sun, sun, sun, here it comes... Little darling, I feel that ice is slowly melting Little darling, it seems like years since it's been clear Here comes the sun, here comes the sun, and I say it's all right It's all right The Beatles said it best. It will be all right.

TGIF (again)

It's been a long week. It started with the trip to the cemetary last Saturday. Then a lovely Easter with the family but one person noticeably absent. Cubs home opener, in the freezing cold (so what else is new) on Monday, they lost (so what else is new), then on to the anniversary on Wednesday. It would have been our 26th. Woke up to my kitty on Lou's pillow. He doesn't always sleep there. I think he knew. It was cold, gray, sleeting, snowing, and raining all at once. I could have easily stayed in bed, but perhaps fortuitously, had a meeting to get to. It was a long day. When I got home, there were roses for me. Roses from "your guys". That's the way Lou signed cards and presents when they were from the boys and himself. "Your guys" . Yep, that did it. I thought alot about our anniversary last year. Our 25th. I was elated to have made it to 25. We went out to a special dinner. We had to take Lou in a wheel chair. Through the kitchen into the dining room. No matter. He certainly didn't know. He would have been mortified, actually. He made the same toast, over and over. That's about all he could do. But he enjoyed himself, he did. And so did I. I have pictures of that night, all dressed up , kisses and holding hands. I can remember thinking he looked good. I look at the pictures now and I see it. He didn't look good. Life was draining from him. His eyes were flat. And I refused to see it. Refused to acknowledge it. Kept dragging him out. Kept building him up. Kept holding him up. Kept holding on. It was our last anniversary together. I knew it that day. Everyone knew it. But everyone played along. It kept me going. It kept Lou going. I was very tired Thursday. Tired, as if I had gone through it all again. THAT tired. A deep, aching kind of tired. A 4 shot espresso tired. And then, it was friday. TGIF. I love fridays. The week is over. And I made it. Small victories.

Signs of Spring

You have to really look hard for them. It's 30 degrees, windy, and snow is predicted for next week. The Sox canceled their game last night, how's that for a sign of spring? But I did see a sign today, just when I needed it most. It was a rough day. We went to the cemetary for the first time since the day Lou was buried, way back on an indian summer day in early September. It's a three hour drive there. Not the most fun way to spend a Saturday. I had to go, our anniversary is this week. I had to leave my one red rose for him, I had to. And, his stone is in. We needed to see it. I wasn't prepared for the effect that would have on me. Seeing his name on the stone. I hated it. It hurt so much. I wanted so badly to hug him. It was so cold out there, and gray. Miserable. But, when it came time to leave, I noticed the sun broke through the clouds, just a BIT. And there was a small patch of blue. When we got to the car, I saw a robin in the grass. As we drove off, another robin had joined the first. A pair. A sign of spring. Or a sign from Lou. Either way, it lifted my spirits, for a moment. The sun didn't stay out for long. Soon, it was overcast again. Spring, like so many special things in life, can be fleeting.

Re Entry

Was away for a few days, again. This time with my younger son. Being away is good, I like it. It's the coming back that is hard. For some reason, even more so this time. Too much more so. I've been in a funk all day. I guess it is the realization that this doesn't go away, does it? "This", as in, this life. This life, now. This life, sans Lou. It is still here upon my return, imagine that! It didn't pack up and go away while I was gone. It was waiting here for me. I used to be able to find the good in practically everything. Even while Lou was sick, I saw alot of good going on around us. I can't find it now. I try and I can't. On the surface, it all looks good, I'm sure. But it's not. I just ACT like it, thinking that if I act like things are ok, at some point, they WILL be. So far, it is not working. It certainly didn't work today. But then, today I didn't even try to act like things were ok because they really were not and I couldn't possibly even try to pretend they were. I returned from a trip and it's all still here and it is not ok. Well, tomorrow is another day. I can try tomorrow. I WILL try tomorrow.