TGIF (again)

It's been a long week. It started with the trip to the cemetary last Saturday. Then a lovely Easter with the family but one person noticeably absent. Cubs home opener, in the freezing cold (so what else is new) on Monday, they lost (so what else is new), then on to the anniversary on Wednesday. It would have been our 26th. Woke up to my kitty on Lou's pillow. He doesn't always sleep there. I think he knew. It was cold, gray, sleeting, snowing, and raining all at once. I could have easily stayed in bed, but perhaps fortuitously, had a meeting to get to. It was a long day. When I got home, there were roses for me. Roses from "your guys". That's the way Lou signed cards and presents when they were from the boys and himself. "Your guys" . Yep, that did it. I thought alot about our anniversary last year. Our 25th. I was elated to have made it to 25. We went out to a special dinner. We had to take Lou in a wheel chair. Through the kitchen into the dining room. No matter. He certainly didn't know. He would have been mortified, actually. He made the same toast, over and over. That's about all he could do. But he enjoyed himself, he did. And so did I. I have pictures of that night, all dressed up , kisses and holding hands. I can remember thinking he looked good. I look at the pictures now and I see it. He didn't look good. Life was draining from him. His eyes were flat. And I refused to see it. Refused to acknowledge it. Kept dragging him out. Kept building him up. Kept holding him up. Kept holding on. It was our last anniversary together. I knew it that day. Everyone knew it. But everyone played along. It kept me going. It kept Lou going. I was very tired Thursday. Tired, as if I had gone through it all again. THAT tired. A deep, aching kind of tired. A 4 shot espresso tired. And then, it was friday. TGIF. I love fridays. The week is over. And I made it. Small victories.