Another First

I have just returned from my first out of town business trip in over two years. I have not traveled for business in quite some time. I am grossly out of practice. I used to do this alot. Many years ago, the kids were younger then. From that standpoint, it was hard. I loved the work but the being away was hard, no doubt about it. But you get into a routine, and you just do it. I'm out of the routine. And, the routine has changed. No more pulling up to the airport a half hour before take off. I was wide awake at 3 am worried I'd be late for a 9:30 flight. And it's such a drag to practically undress in front of everyone waiting in the security line at 6 am . Then you have to empty the contents of everything you are carrying. Horrors, I forgot we are not allowed nail files and they took my teensy tinsy toothpaste tube, evidently it was not teeny enough. I'd be a horrible road warrior nowadays. At any rate, the trip was to New York. It is a trip that Lou used to make , regularly, over the course of many many years. I stayed in the hotel he always stayed in. We have stayed in it too. I didn't give it a second thought when it was booked. It was where our group was staying, where the group always stays for this particular business occasion. It had been many years since I was there in that hotel with Lou, I didn't usually go on this trip with him. But walking into the lobby brought it all back, and more. How many times had Lou checked into that hotel over the course of the twenty years he'd made that trip? Everyone who works there knows him. It was hard being there, really hard. I wondered if I was in a room he had been in. I thought about the last trip he had made there, what was it like, how was he feeling, because Lou had not felt well for quite awhile before he was diagnosed. Those trips were hard on him, but he always, always, forged on. I felt like I shouldn't be there. I felt like he should have been there, not me. Or, we should have been there, together. But not me, on my own. That was tough. It was strange. Just like this life is now....tough, and strange. The trip back was very very long thanks to the weather. We returned to Chicago via Dallas, last flight into O'Hare. I had alot of time to think about it. And I realized that so many of these "firsts ' can obviously be viewed two ways. The sad way, of course, which is the automatic reaction. Staying in the hotel Lou always stayed in made me sad, no doubt about it. On the other hand, there was a comfort in it. He was with me, he was. He was telling me that I could do it. He's trying to help me. He always was so supportive of my career. He always felt it was important. He's nudging me to carry on. I'm trying Lou, I really am. It's just hard, and it isn't all that much fun, on my own. But I AM trying.