Don't Go There

WHAT WAS I THINKING???? Last night, we were invited out to dinner by dear friends of our family. This family frequents the same greek restaurant that is our favorite, The Parthenon. The Parthenon is the restaurant Lou's family has frequented for some probably 40 odd years. Lou always said the food there is as close to his mom's cooking as a restaurant can be. Lou loved The Parthenon. He loved the food. He loved the ambience. He always said "everyone here is having a good time". And he was right. He would take large groups of friends, family, clients, associates there, often. He never tired of the place. It was where we had our first date (when he proposed to me). It was where we had first birthday family parties for the kids. It was where we celebrated all sorts of special and/or everyday occasions. It was where Lou collapsed from the aortic aneurism twelve years ago, as we were celebrating the Christmas season with friends. It was Lou's place, and, consequently, our place. So, what WAS I thinking, that I could have dinner there, at the Parthenon, last night? I WASN'T thinking, that's basically it. It had been a crazy day on a number of fronts. Stressful. So, we arrive at the restaurant, on time no less, which my son would say is a major miracle. So far, so good. That lasted about a nano second. My heart started pounding and I could hardly breathe. And then the tears came. Thinking I could brush it off, we sat down. It only got worse. Lou was right, everybody WAS having a good time, all around us, and that only made it worse. I felt dizzy. And so many memories rushed by. I saw the table we sat at on our first date. I saw the paramedics carrying Lou out on the stretcher. I saw birthday celebrations. I saw Lou toasting a long table full of friends. I had to leave. I DID leave. It was a bad night, followed by a morning spent hiding under the covers. And it stayed with me all day today. I thought I was doing fairly "well", whatever that means. I wonder if I'll ever be able to enjoy the Parthenon again. I wonder if I"ll even be able to think about it again without getting that pit in my stomach. Some places make me feel good, make me feel Lou's presence, in a good way. This didn't. It overwhelmed me. It hurt. It's going to take awhile, isn't it. It's going to take quite awhile I think.