Empty Spaces
It isn't easy to write lately. I'm not sure why, I certainly have plenty of thoughts and feelings spinning around. I think it is trying to figure out what this blog should now be about.....I'm sure an ongoing recount of my emptiness is going to get very old quickly. "Oh here she goes again...". I've been told by a certain son of mine that my blog is "too depressing".... DUH, YEAH....to which I say, "don't read it".
Life without Lou...that's what this is about? Yesterday was Damon's 18th birthday. We celebrated it as we always do, we have a tradition to go to his very favorite restaurant for dinner, Benihanna. We've done this for so many years, even though poor Lou NEVER liked the place, he was a good sport. And we had the usual stack of presents, as Lou always wants it. I think he had a good birthday. I always pick out mushy cards for my sons, this year was no different...except it was not for "our son", it was for "my son".....there's that emptiness again.....one signature. But Lou was with us, I know he was. I know he is watching over us, and over his sons, I know he is.
When I think of Lou, which is constantly, I see him as he was, before the brain tumor...healthy, strong, intense but gentle, the twinkle in his blue eyes, the rich, deep voice, his droll humor, the smell of his cologne. I don't see him sick. I'm glad. I'm so glad. When I start to feel low, or miss him, I try to think of something good...of a good memory....times together, walking arm in arm down Michigan Avenue, or just simple things like how he would call me daily at work just to say hi. And I try to fill the emptiness with these images and thoughts. Sometimes, it works. Sometimes, it brings a smile to my face. Sometimes, it fills me with a warm feeling. And I try to carry it with me, that feeling...I try to keep it, to keep that empty space filled with a good feeling. Knowing that I was once loved.......by Lou......it's a good feeling.
posted by CB | 11:14 AM
6 Comments:
Oh Cathy I will never get sick of reading the thoughts you put on the blog. They are so thoughtful and thought provoking. It is funny about birthdays isn't it. This Saturday will be the second birthday without my dad and the first year I told mom "no card" because I didn't want to read "Love Mom" because I knew it would be upsetting however, this year the card came and I opened it and it caused a hugh breakdown because his name was still missing, I don't know if I thought it would be there or what but it was sad and still is sad. I am sure it is sad for my mom too. I hope those warm feelings and memories will be with you forever and carry you through. Stay in touch and feel the love and prayers from everywhere and everyone.
Cathy,
I'm glad to hear you think of Lou in his better days. Remember that you are still loved by Lou, nothing could change that.
Last Mother's Day, I pulled out the card that Eric gave me a year ago. I couldn't bear to see only 2 cards on the mantle this year. Do whatever you can Cathy, whatever makes you feel connected. It's the connection that keeps us grounded, helps our feet stick to the earth. It's okay, it has to be.
Mary Ann, m/o Eric BT angel since 4/4/06
Doris said,
Cathy you continue on writting that what you love to do, no matter what state of point you may be in your life we all have been there. We can mold you and encourge you but it's doesn't take the fact that your husband will always live in your heart it's a good thing. I lose my father and he was Christian who live off the word of God, a good father and a loving husband to my mother. It hurted me to lose someone that you love, but keep him in my heart. My father he loved his family. Lou was a good man and a noble man he loved for me to say that word to him!!! Cathy don't ever stop doing the thing that make you happy!! I enjoy the blog.
Hello Cathie. I got a link to your blog from Southernmush's post today. I have read all your postings with real interest because 5 years ago I was in a very similar position to you. The only difference I can see is that my husband, who died one year after diagnosis with a GBM at age 49 years is that his intellect wasn't affected. So I can really empathise with your situation. I think you get through it in the only way possible - your own way. Everyone is different and copes differently. it is now just over 4 years since Colin died and I am grateful for the life I have which is good with caring people around me. I will bookmark your blog and continue to read and think about you. Love over the Atlantic. Eva. x
Cathy ... you do such an amaing job of getting "it" right. It's not about what we no longer have, it is all about what we once had. I've had to learn to be thankful for those days that are long gone, and not be so angry that these days are so different. I, too, had great difficulty this year on Olivia's birthday ... a card from Mommy alone ... I know that one will stick in my throat for years to come.
On a lighter note ... when Damon and Olivia meet, they can share their love for Benihana. She used to call it "Penny Donna's" ... and it has long been her favorite too!
Some day dear friend, some day.
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