Lessons from Lou

This blog is about my journey through the brain tumor world with my dear husband, Lou. While not a journey I would wish on even my worst enemy, it is a journey that has enlightened and awakened me to what lies within us, and around us, each and every moment of each and every day. There are lessons here....lessons in this journey.....lessons from Lou....that I would like to share with you.

My Photo
Location: Chicago, Illinois

Picture of Lou (sick) and I at a party, circa 2005, long ago and faraway. I'm now a middle aged widow, trying to get my life back together. Mother of two young adult sons, living with two adult cats.

Friday, June 02, 2006

TGIF, I guess

It's been a long and somewhat difficult week for a variety of reasons, some that have to do with Lou, and some that don't. Considering it was a "short" week due to the holiday (when WAS that, anyway?), it sure seemed long. I am glad it's friday, even though friday's do not have much meaning to me now. It USED to be that I would TRY to leave work "on time" on fridays, walk home, have a glass of wine, order pizza (that's the friday routine here..), and wait for Lou. We usually never would go out on fridays if we could help it...it was the night to unwind. I really used to like coming home on fridays with the week behind me.....there was something almost "celebratory" about it.....not now. Now fridays are just like any other day, certainly for Lou. Every day is the same. It could be Monday, Wednesday or Saturday, they are all the same. They have all been the same for 20 months. And for 20 months we have carried on the "two worlds" here..answering Lou's questions in ways that will not make him feel bad..."when was the last time I was in the office"..."Oh lets see, it's been maybe a month", "A MONTH", he says...oh if he only knew....or "what time do I have to be somewhere tomorrow?", as he goes to bed. "Oh, not til a bit later in the morning". "Am I going to the office?". "Sure, if you feel up to it". And that makes it ok, that answer is ok. To say "no, I don't think so" would raise the next question, "why not"..."well, maybe because you have a BRAIN TUMOR...??" or "well you know, you aren't well...". The thing is, there are many times Lou doesn't realize he is not well. So, we live in two worlds. The imaginary world in his brain, and I guess, the real world in his brain..the one with the growing tumor. There have been some changes in Lou this week. His walking is worse, he seems weaker in the legs. He has been more confused at times. His vision is really bad. At the same time, he still does not miss an opportunity to ask "can I help you" or "what can I get you".... we, of course, know, he cannot "help" in the kitchen, nor can he "get" us anything...but that's ok. Old habits die hard. Ever the gentleman. EVER the gentleman, still. TGIF everyone. Even you, Lou. Even you.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

Oh Cathy, I can feel the bravery with which you meet each day, especially Fridays. This disease saps strength from everyone who lives with it. You are doing a wonderful job as you help your beloved Lou to cope with the deficits that come. It is very hard. Please know that I am thinking of you.
The BT List

7:22 PM  
Blogger Sue said...

It is so sad to read the road that you walk each day with Lou. I don't know if what you have to look toward is going to be much better. However, hope your walk is easier knowing people walk with you in prayer.

6:25 PM  
Anonymous Diane Phillips said...

There is truth to the statement that "What you don't know can't hurt you." Lou's reality is being made safe, even if a mirage. But it takes great energy to create the illusion. Others can't live in it with the same innocence, and that is such a bittersweet thing for the one who gets up every morning to repaint the scenery and draw the curtains open once again.
I can see the weariness and yet, still, your same intent sense of purpose in this, and it is such GOOD purpose that it touches my heart.

9:44 PM  

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