Grilled Cheese, Please
It's time for grilled cheese. Grilled cheese, tomato soup. Macaroni and cheese would do, or chicken pot pie. Pancakes? Maybe, but too much work. Ice cream, ice cream is good. And NOT the low fat kind. Hiding in bed with the covers over my head, THAT would be good. THAT would be very very good. Hanging on to Lou. Pretending this isn't happening. Pretending we are just sleeping in like a lazy saturday in the old days. Wake me when this is over, please. Somebody, PLEASE just wake me when this is over. Somebody please do THIS for me....DO this whole bit now. THIS PART. I CAN'T. I CAN'T do THIS. I can't. I can't WATCH this. I can't LISTEN to this. I can't BEAR this. I can't get through THIS. I can't see beyond THIS. I can't accept THIS.
I can no longer find the "good" in this. Been there, done that. It's time to hide. Or get angry. Or cry. Or eat grilled cheese. Or all combined. I could do ANY of the aforementioned things. But THIS, THIS, I cannot do.
Dear God, help us.
posted by CB | 6:28 PM
11 Comments:
Yes, yes, you CAN do this, and you WILL do this, because you MUST do this...for Lou, because you love him, and because you know that he needs you now more than ever.
You have known for a long time that this would get harder and harder (which is why you keep fighting to hang on to the latest version of "normal")...but nevertheless, you WILL do it for your beloved Lou.
You have never heard of me, but I have been following your blog long enough to know that you ARE strong enough to do THIS for him.
I am Michelle's mother's cousin, and found your blog through Michelle's. I guess I keep checking in because there seem to be so many similarities between your relationship with Lou, and mine with my husband's...He is sixteen years older than I (50 & 66), we have been married 21 years, I almost lost him 5-1/2 years ago but seven heart bypasses saved him....anything sound sort of familiar there?
My beloved sent me to another state to take care of my mother when she was diagnosed with the cancer that took her life a year and a half ago, so I do understand the frustrations, the scary things, the sadness, and all the other ups and downs that go with being a caregiver.
Don't ever forget that there are more people pulling for you and Lou than you can imagine...people you don't even know about who know about you and love you. You CAN do this...we know it, and deep down, you do too.
You are in my thoughts every day.
Hugs,
Marilyn
P.S. Try chocolate...no cooking, no effort required!
Cathy,
This is one of those times when I wish I could just reach through my computer and give a hug. You and Lou are in my thoughts a lot -- and I want you to know that each and every time I think of you I will ask God to give you strength...strength that only He can give.
My dearest Cathy:
I know you do not want to do this, but if anyone tried to come in and take over for you, you would hate it. The only thing worse than watching Lou slip away from you and your sons would be to NOT be with him, NOT be able to ease his way however you can.
It is just awful and we will cry about it together for the rest of our lives. The sad truth is that any of us would like to take this burden away from you but you would not let us if we could.
It is just hard...so very, impossibly hard. Go ahead and crawl under the covers whenever you can. Call and reach out to any of us and we will be reaching back, reaching out to you, praying for you and Lou and Damon and Drew and wishing beyond all hope that there were a different path your story could take.
And loving you from too far away...
Claudia
Oh Cathy I have been thinking of you and praying for you these hot days of July. I know when we don't hear from you for long periods of time things are changing for Lou and for you. I like so many before me wish you didn't have to deal with this, but this is the deck of cards you, the boys and Lou have been given as bad as it is. Thank God that when we don't think we can do one more thing, we can. In my heart I didn't wnat to spend my dad's last days with him because I couldn't imagine doing it, but God gave me the strength to be with him, support him, love him, love and support my mom and actually hold him in my arms as he died. Looking back I wonder how did I do that and I know the God who took my dad gave me strength and time with my dad. God will give you and the boys the strength you need. So when you can't do it one more minute, take a breadth and rely on God and it will happen. So many people love you Cathy; we will be praying for your strength and loving memories. Grilled Cheese and Ice Cream won't hurt! Love Always
Dear Sweet Cathy - I came across your blog somehow(not sure how actually) and check it often. I hate this for you. I don't know you - but yet I feel like I do. You have a gift with words, and I suspect they come from your kind heart. I pray for your peace and strength, and I send lots of good thoughts to you often. My hope is that you know you are supported by strangers and friends, and that brings you a little comfort in this storm.
Cathy,
As a fellow BT wife...I understand. This quote from "Teh Duke" has given inspiration...how it does for you as well.
Courage is being scared to death... and saddling up anyway. ~John Wayne
Sending you supportive thoughts,
Kara
Wife of Butch,43, dx inoperable GBM 12/2004
You'll do this. Because you know that someday this will be over and you'll miss this. I'm glad it's over but I miss "this".
Tony
Husband of Robin
Cathy,
I've been sick,
delerious with fever,
hallucinating,
tossing and turning
in a damp bed,
the window brings in
hot air,
with no relief,
and still I pray,
pray that I get well,
thank Him that my illness is one that will pass,
thank Him that my kids are old enough to feed themselves and the dog,
pray for Nicholas's MRI,
and pray for you,
as you "saddle up"
preparing for the journey
you don't want to take,
going anyway,
because of Lou,
because of love,
because, as you know,
there really is no other choice.
And because you know,
deep inside,
that while it's a burden,
and it's awful,
it's also
an honor
to walk beside Lou,
through the very valley of the shadow of death,
to honor the vows that you made years ago,
"in sickness
and in health,
for richer,
for poorer,
until death we do part."
You'll do it because you vowed you would.
And it will bless you,
not in any of the ways you would have chosen,
but this process will touch the deepest parts of you and your Lou,
and you'll be forever changed,
in some ways broken and weakened,
in some ways strengthened and comforted,
in all ways,
connected
to Lou,
to love,
to the only One who knows,
the only One who understands.
I love you...
Chelle
Cathy all I am going to say is I am praying for you, thinking of you,Lou and the boys. I also check on you daily. Everyone has said it all. To sum it up your prayed for, thought about and Loved more than you will ever know. From family, very dear long time friends, new friends and many many people who (I won't say don't know you or you don't know but) you have never met.
We are all drawn together to love and care for one another.
God Bless You and know your doing what YOU need to do.
Dear God,
Please give our friend Cathy the strength she needs to get through "this". Fill her heart with courage, her spirit with peace and her head with reassurance of Your love for her and Lou. Let her feel your presence as she walks through this terrible valley... send angels to guide her... and loved ones to help her. Please, God.
In faith,
Lori Ware
Cathy, you are a such beautiful person! Just in reading your blogs, it makes me cry. For you, for you and Lou, for Lou, for everything. I know exactly how you are feeling. You know you can do this, because you want to do it and you wouldn't want anyone else to care for Lou. Is it fair that he has this, no! But he is so lucky to have you!! And for you to have him! There are so many "why's" with this ugly situation and I'm still trying to figure ours out, but I know God has a plan for each of us.
A big hug to you!
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