Dinner For Two

I knew it would be hard without Damon here...but I didn't know HOW hard. Damon left on Monday, he will be gone for the entire month of July, studying at University of Southern California. Lou and I are officially "empty nesters", for a month anyway. Tonight I thought it would be nice to have a decent dinner, at the table, vs. in the family room in front of the tv, which happens sometimes. I try to have us all have dinner together as often as possible. It's been a bit difficult lately because it's summer and Damon is often out and about, and, Lou's dining skills are a bit rocky now, so sometimes it is just easier to skip formality and eat in front of the tv , something I SWORE we would NEVER do in this household!!! So tonight, I decided to make a decent dinner (that's an oxymoron in this house you know) for Lou and I. I put some nice music on, set the table, etc. Lou seemed pleased with it all. But all too soon, the shroud of sadness came over him. It is impossible to just "chat" anymore it seems, particularly when it is just the two of us. Lou always goes for the tough ones around me, "why is this happening?", "it's getting worse, isn't it", "what do the doctors say?" (I really hate that one), "In the next eight weeks, what's the best thing that could happen to this family ?" (yes, he did ask this tonight), "have you talked to my mom lately ", "how is my mom", "how is your dad" (mind you, both are no longer with us...), etc. The light mood quickly dissipates and I'm left trying desperately to change subjects and/or end the dinner. In the "old days", such questions were somewhat routine. When I first met Lou he asked me "if you were in a crashing plane, what would be your last thoughts" (yes, I married him anyway)...so I'm used to it, but now, now the questions are so poignant, they literally take my breath away sometimes. And his eyes are so very sad when he asks them. I guess we can't really talk about everyday happenings since he is not aware of them, so this line of discussion must work for him, on some level. But it sure makes for heavy dinner conversation. By the time it is over, I'm worn out and so very sad. So much for a nice dinner for two. We are both in tears. We go back to the tv. It stops the questions...for awhile. It's going to be a long month. Dinner, anyone?