Sleep Walking
I never really did like Mondays. They always seemed to come around too quickly. The three day weekend makes alot more sense to me. Now, I REALLY don't like Mondays. Not that it much matters, like I've said before, to Lou, and hence, really, to all of us at home with Lou, the days don't matter much. They are all the same. Except we know they are not. We exist "out there", where Mondays ARE Mondays, but we live with Lou...where Mondays are just like any other day. This Monday, today, I find myself sleep walking. That's the only way to describe it. I'm so incredibly tired. Worn out, me thinks. I'm doing everything that everyone says I should be doing to "help myself"...I actually went to a movie on friday night (thank you dear friend Bill , for keeping Lou company...). I actually went SWIMMING yesterday! I am doing something very fun with my dear sweet Anna tomorrow, those "tiny hands to hold" that I love so much. I am at the office as I write this. I will try to see friends sometime this week. But it doesn't really help. It doesn't help the way "everyone" says it should. I'm "supposed to" take care of myself...what, exactly, does that MEAN??? Does it mean getting more help with Lou, so that I become more removed from him, so this whole thing isn't so hard on me? It doesnt work that way. Removing myself makes me feel worse. Does it mean getting out more and trying to have some "fun"? I do that....but it doesn't really work either, because soon enough, I realize there is no fun at home, no fun for Lou, and then I feel sad. So what does everybody mean, exactly, by this idea of "taking care of me?". I dont know. All I know is, whatever I try, it doesnt work. I'm sleep walking. Sleep walking works, to a certain extent. I can just barely get through the day that way. And soon, the day is over, and then , I can really sleep. And sleep, is good. Sleep is where there is no brain tumor. Sleep is where my Lou is, the real Lou. Sleep is good. For so long, I couldn't sleep. Now, when I do get to bed, I sleep, deeply. To forget. I sleep to forget. I guess that is why, when day comes, I sleep walk. To forget.
posted by CB | 4:58 PM
5 Comments:
Cathy,
Like everyone else, I too was told to get out, have some fun, take care of myself. Like you, it didn't work. So I didn't. I spent nearly every waking minute talking, caring for, loving ... especially loving him. I am so glad now that I did. It was exhausting at times, but I have no regrets. Do what you feel is right for you. It's the only way. I'm praying for you
Cathy, I know exactly what you are going through. Do what you want to do, not what others think you should do. Love him like there is no tomorrow. Take pictures of Lou with you and with your family. It will be hard to look at them at first but you will be glad one day that you did. Never look back at what you 'could' have done better. Lou knows that you love him. I have been in your shoes and am praying for you. Feel free to write if you need to.
y. All the love that existed was ours to share. And I know now that SHE knew that things were wrapping up.
In one of the many cards we have gotten, a friend of Jeannie's suggested that the only reason that she can see for God to have taken her so young is that he has plans for her. Lou is just the kind of Man that God would have plans for.
Dearest Cathy:
I don't know how to understand the whys and ways of brain tumors and how they rob their victims, and those who love them. One of Rob's doctors said that the brain is the place that houses and protects who we are, which makes those tumors so cruel. You end up losing the person you love, as pieces of who they are are lost and/or changed/consumed by the tumor, and finally you lose whatever the tumor has NOT changed and taken away. It is the worst possible scenario.
All I know -- or believe I know -- is that it is not God who choses to afflict a person with cancer. God loves us and wants only the best for each of us. It is life, and the gamble that living entails, that brings us both such great love and joy and such terrible loss and heartache. I think that the first is the blessing of life and the second is the real price we pay for living.
But I also believe that we will meet my Rob and your Lou again in heaven when we die and they will be well and whole and we will be able to celebrate our love for them all over again, as if it were new, for eternity.
I ache for you, my dear friend, and wish you all the peace and sleep you can find ... and as many good moments with Lou as you can have. My heart is always with you and Lou and your boys...
I always said .. "I know there is a moral in here somewhere ... I'd love it if someone could point it out so that I could 'get it' ,," Nearly three months have passed since Fred took his last breath, and honestly, I still don't "get it". Someday, I suppose I will .. I just wish it would happen sooner rather than later ... if it does, I promise you will be one of the first I share "it" with.
We love you and pray for you daily.
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