Lessons from Lou

This blog is about my journey through the brain tumor world with my dear husband, Lou. While not a journey I would wish on even my worst enemy, it is a journey that has enlightened and awakened me to what lies within us, and around us, each and every moment of each and every day. There are lessons here....lessons in this journey.....lessons from Lou....that I would like to share with you.

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Location: Chicago, Illinois

Picture of Lou (sick) and I at a party, circa 2005, long ago and faraway. I'm now a middle aged widow, trying to get my life back together. Mother of two young adult sons, living with two adult cats.

Thursday, June 15, 2006

I know he knows

He knows. He knows something is terribly wrong. He knows he is declining. How do I know he knows? Last night, as he was having great difficulty getting into bed, he broke down....and said "this is not the way I want it to end"...it's so heartbreaking, it's so painful to go through this. Chinese water torture. Tonight he again was very sad, and said "what's wrong with me"...he knows. And we are helpless. There is no answer to that question, no answer that "works". Helpless. A bright spot later this evening however. Drew was visiting and helping to get Lou in bed (thank you Drew). Lou has a habit now of laying (lying?) much too close to the edge of the bed, I think because he is just too exhausted to push himself over any further. One night, a few weeks back, he actually fell OUT of bed in the middle of the night. Thank goodness that was when he was still able to help get back IN bed. Anyway, Drew was trying very hard to get Lou to move away from the edge of the bed. We kept telling Lou to move towards the window (opposite from the edge of the bed). And I was recounting the story..you know..."it's really important that you try to move over Lou, because when you are too close to the edge you could fall out. In fact, one night, you DID fall out..." yap yap yap, and Lou says, "I fell out of the window???", kiddingly. It was funny, broke the tension. Thank you Lou. For those of you who don't know, we live way up on a high floor so falling out of the window is not really funny, but in this context, it is. ANY joke we get out of Lou nowadays is considered funny! I know he knows. I liked it better when he didn't know. That was hard. But this is harder.


Blogger Shelley said...

Cathy, dear one,
realizations dawning,
coming to grips,
one bit at a time.
The hardest thing you will ever do,
shepherding your love,
from this place,
to the next.
Loving him,
comforting him,
being there fully,
these take so much energy.
Being real takes even more.
But it's all we really have.
It's okay to take care of Lou.
People told me to "get some sleep!"
but I knew, the time for sleep would come.
The time for being with Dave would not.
So we make our choices,
as best we can,
and pray that it's enough.

And yes, you've gotta keep the humor! Laugh when you can. Did I ever tell you the story of the first night that Dave fell? He was on his way to the bathroom and softly fell in a heap between the bed and the door. "What in heaven's name are you doing?!?" I shouted, fear, concern, panic edging my voice. "Trying to win you some money," he says, in all seriousness. I briefly wonder if this is the beginning of him losing his mind. "Money?" I ask. "Yeah, in the stupidity contest!" he said, the twinkle in his eye, the famous Dave grin on his face.

I agree with Claudia. The God I believe in does not send us these horrors to teach us lessons. The lessons come, if we are open, if we are willing. He has promised to make all things work for good for those who love Him. I'm still having a hard time finding it...the good in all this. It's there, yes, but the scales...they do not balance, not at all.

It's like the column about children with special needs that basically says, "You're so wise and wonderful, we sent you this child." Nice on the surface, but look a little deeper...so...if I was a horrible mother, then Kenny would be perfect?! Or I'm rewarded for being patient and loving by watching my child suffer and struggle? This doesn't reflect the God that I read about in my bible.

I know that there is power in prayer. I also know that some prayers go unanswered, or at least without the answers that we seek. It says to go boldly, ask for your needs, believe your prayers have been answered and they will be. I don't know anyone who lived that more fully than Dave. He believed, trusted and prayed every minute of the journey. He never doubted, not once, not for a minute. He died. Not the answer we sought at all. An answer, yes, but not the one we BELIEVED we would receive. Does it make sense to me? No. None. Nada. Zip.

I'm not sure there is an answer to the question of why...at least not on this earth, with our pitiful human understanding. So we learn to live with the questions, holding fast to faith, believing in the unfathomable, trusting in what we cannot see, cannot feel.

Walking with you, dear one, every step, every breath.

I love you.

1:46 PM  
Blogger Sue said...

Boy not much to say Michelle said it all. However, just remember lots of love and prayers coming your way from Walla Walla.

11:51 AM  
Anonymous Kathie said...

More prayers from Walla Walla. We are here for you Cathy all at different levels. We have all lost someone but most not like Michelle. We are here praying for you. Doing the best we can from a distance.
Know that your postings do not go unread, each and everything you write I learn from. I will be able to see death and deal with death in a different and more positive way from every thing I learn from You, Michelle, Kari, Claudia and the many more I have followed and prayed for.
God Bless You, Lou and the boys.
Team Meyer

10:20 AM  
Anonymous Lori Ware said...

Thank you for sharing your thoughts and feelings so honestly. I draw strength and courage to face my own heartache when I read your notes.

Praying for you,
Lori Ware

2:44 PM  
Blogger Lorray said...

Cathy, thank you so much for sharing with all of us some of your journey with Lou. I think back so many times when I took care of my husband Tom who passed away two years ago from gbm. I appreciate your, Lessons from Lou so much and wanted to tell you. As you know it is not an wasy road to go down. Please take care Cathy, I think of you both often. God bless you and Lou, Lorray

9:29 PM  

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