I know he knows

He knows. He knows something is terribly wrong. He knows he is declining. How do I know he knows? Last night, as he was having great difficulty getting into bed, he broke down....and said "this is not the way I want it to end"...it's so heartbreaking, it's so painful to go through this. Chinese water torture. Tonight he again was very sad, and said "what's wrong with me"...he knows. And we are helpless. There is no answer to that question, no answer that "works". Helpless. A bright spot later this evening however. Drew was visiting and helping to get Lou in bed (thank you Drew). Lou has a habit now of laying (lying?) much too close to the edge of the bed, I think because he is just too exhausted to push himself over any further. One night, a few weeks back, he actually fell OUT of bed in the middle of the night. Thank goodness that was when he was still able to help get back IN bed. Anyway, Drew was trying very hard to get Lou to move away from the edge of the bed. We kept telling Lou to move towards the window (opposite from the edge of the bed). And I was recounting the story..you know..."it's really important that you try to move over Lou, because when you are too close to the edge you could fall out. In fact, one night, you DID fall out..." yap yap yap, and Lou says, "I fell out of the window???", kiddingly. It was funny, broke the tension. Thank you Lou. For those of you who don't know, we live way up on a high floor so falling out of the window is not really funny, but in this context, it is. ANY joke we get out of Lou nowadays is considered funny! I know he knows. I liked it better when he didn't know. That was hard. But this is harder.