Lessons from Lou

This blog is about my journey through the brain tumor world with my dear husband, Lou. While not a journey I would wish on even my worst enemy, it is a journey that has enlightened and awakened me to what lies within us, and around us, each and every moment of each and every day. There are lessons here....lessons in this journey.....lessons from Lou....that I would like to share with you.

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Location: Chicago, Illinois

Picture of Lou (sick) and I at a party, circa 2005, long ago and faraway. I'm now a middle aged widow, trying to get my life back together. Mother of two young adult sons, living with two adult cats.

Thursday, May 24, 2007

On My Own

Somewhere inbetween my last post and now, I realized that I'm on my own here. What I mean is, it is really up to me to make this work. I can only rely on friends and family so much. At some point, I have to be brave and carry on, on my own. I won't ALWAYS have a friend to have dinner or coffee with, I just might have to be on my own. I won't ALWAYS have someone to go to a movie with, or see a concert with. My sons WILL leave, are in the process of leaving. My mom is NOT moving here, she is moving near my brother. My niece and God daughter and her darling baby are moving from here in July. Yep, I'm on my own. Can't rely on everyone else for my own good time. This is quite a revelation to me. It hit me last friday night. I had an early dinner out with friends, and was home around 8pmish. USUALLY, on a friday night, I can't handle being alone at home (teenage sons are never around on the weekends). It's been a really hard thing for me. That friday, I put a movie in the minute I got home. That took two hours. By then, I did my usual late night stuff and turned in. IT WAS NOT ALL THAT AWFUL. I realized, then, that this is my responsibility. Waiting around for company and phone calls is not going to help me get through this. Learning how to handle alone time, no, how to ENJOY alone time, is going to help me get through this. I'm not such bad company, really. Oh, I play the music too loud and snack too much, but really, I can manage. BIG revelation. Meanwhile, today I am sorting through pictures. So much for being brave, for managing my alone time...it's not working for me today. Not at all. To be expected. I can do it as long as I don't look back I guess. I wonder how you do that, how you move forward, without looking back. Guess I'm not ready. But at least I know I CAN make it through a friday night. That's progress.


Blogger Annie said...

Even through I already feel like I'm on my own already, I know there will be the day that I long for this time of my life.

4:57 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

It's okay to find out you're okay alone. It's different, but you have to be okay alone.

5:59 PM  
Blogger Sue said...

You might be alone in body but in spirit the space is jammed packed with love, prayers and warmth.

11:01 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Dearest Cathy~
My name is Deirdre, I am a Smith student and found a link to your blog on a response you sent to Kathy Dunn's email about Al. I was so incredibly struck by your email signature, "Cathy B. w/o Lou, the love of my life, dx inoperable gbm 10/04, left this earth 8/31/06," that I knew immediately I had to read it ... and I did, the entire thing from day one to now.

In 2000, at age 25, I was diagnosed with a mixed glioma, an oligodendrogliomo with an astrocytoma to be precise (isn't it crazy how well versed in medical jargon we all become) and was told by my neurosurgeon that I had the best brain tumor one could hope for; not fully operable, but certainly one that I could live with for a long, long time. That year I had two surgeries, debulking and resection, 6 weeks of daily radiation and a long year of chemotherapy the following year; all of which I am so incredibly thankful for as I know the majority of brain tumor patients don't have these options; I am truly one of the lucky ones.

Its funny that I never before really comprehended what my old neurosurgeon (I have a new one now as my first was in Florida and I'm not living between CT and MA) meant when he said that my brain tumor was one of the best I could possibly have, but reading your blog put those words into a context where I could truly grasp the meaning. How your Lou suffered, how your boys suffered, and how you have suffered ... I am completely humbled and forever grateful to have come across your blog.

You are a truly gifted writer and amazingly inspiring woman. Your strength is amazing!! I've been reading your blog for hours and have gone through so so many emotions with you ... I chuckled at things as you made light of them for Lou, and boy did I cry and cry and cry.

My memory since my diagnosis has gotten worse and worse--nothing like your Lou's or many others who live with these monsters in our heads, but bad nonetheless. I'm posting this mostly to thank you for helping me to relive some of the experiences I've had over the past seven years, and for sharing your sorrow, pain, and happiness...I look forward to continuing your journey with you and wanted to tell you how truly and thoroughly your story has touched my life and is, without a doubt, one of the best love stories I've ever read...a great love story is exactly what yours is ... Thanks again!

Warmly ~ Deirdre

11:43 AM  
Anonymous cheri said...

Hello Dear Friend,

I realized something just now ... but let me back up just a bit.

Each day I have a routine ... I check my email, the bank, credit cards and then I check to see if you and Michelle have updated your blogs. Since we have been doing this a long, long time you know how I enjoy your writing.

Here is what I realized ... when I read your blog, it's like reading a really good book, each post being a new chapter. I look forward to each new chapter. On the days you don't post, it kind of compares to turning on the television to see that Grey's Anatomy is a rerun ...

All of this is to say ... I was absolutely delighted to find not one new post, but two! It is safe to say that you made my whole day!

Love to you and the boys.

10:32 PM  

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