On My Own

Somewhere inbetween my last post and now, I realized that I'm on my own here. What I mean is, it is really up to me to make this work. I can only rely on friends and family so much. At some point, I have to be brave and carry on, on my own. I won't ALWAYS have a friend to have dinner or coffee with, I just might have to be on my own. I won't ALWAYS have someone to go to a movie with, or see a concert with. My sons WILL leave, are in the process of leaving. My mom is NOT moving here, she is moving near my brother. My niece and God daughter and her darling baby are moving from here in July. Yep, I'm on my own. Can't rely on everyone else for my own good time. This is quite a revelation to me. It hit me last friday night. I had an early dinner out with friends, and was home around 8pmish. USUALLY, on a friday night, I can't handle being alone at home (teenage sons are never around on the weekends). It's been a really hard thing for me. That friday, I put a movie in the minute I got home. That took two hours. By then, I did my usual late night stuff and turned in. IT WAS NOT ALL THAT AWFUL. I realized, then, that this is my responsibility. Waiting around for company and phone calls is not going to help me get through this. Learning how to handle alone time, no, how to ENJOY alone time, is going to help me get through this. I'm not such bad company, really. Oh, I play the music too loud and snack too much, but really, I can manage. BIG revelation. Meanwhile, today I am sorting through pictures. So much for being brave, for managing my alone time...it's not working for me today. Not at all. To be expected. I can do it as long as I don't look back I guess. I wonder how you do that, how you move forward, without looking back. Guess I'm not ready. But at least I know I CAN make it through a friday night. That's progress.